Today I am sitting in my clinical interventions lecture and we are discussing eating disorders. Though I do not have an eating disorder, two of the people I love most in the world are in recovery from eating disorders. It is a daily, hourly, and sometimes constant battle for them to nourish their bodies and quiet the ED that is telling them not to. I, like many people, also have some of my own body image issues that have shifted as I've become an adult. Some days are better than others, but I find balance in self love the way I do when I consider other personal challenges.
Now, as a social worker, it is important to know which interventions are efficacious for ED treatment because it is likely that my classmates and I will work with folks who are experiencing ED in some capacity. However, the way that professors discuss and teach ED is problematic. For example, to open today's lecture, my professor read a meditation which was asking people how they feel about their bodies. The meditation equated fatness and badness as well as thinness and goodness. This meditation was meant to be done with people in a controlled environment in a therapeutic setting. Not in a classroom where therapeutic conversations cannot happen. After the meditation was read you could hear a pin drop in the room.
It is unlikely that every single person I have class with has an eating disorder, but it is likely that they have been made to feel bad about their bodies in some way at some time. Everyone in the room looked as if they were back in the place of feeling bad about their bodies and therefore feeling bad about themselves. It was amazing to me how much body image issues impacts everyone. The way that we talk about food and body image is epidemically problematic. While looking around our classroom my professor seemed confused. Albeit he is an older man and is seemingly a bit disconnected from the grip that thinness and body perfection has on American culture. While artists like Lizzo and Rihanna and companies like American Eagle are fighting back against these destructive norms, there is still a lot of work to be done.
I am proud of one of my good friends who is in recovery for speaking up about how triggering the classroom activity was for her. When she spoke up many of our classmates were nodding their heads in agreement. Thinking of how our bodies are "bad" will not help us work with folks who are derailed by eating disorders and body dysmorphia so we should not teach it or learn it that way. We should instead learn to meet people where they are so we can better support them in learning how to nourish themselves and begin the healing process.
Our body sizes do not define our goodness. Our body sizes are perfect the way they are. Our doctors are the only people who can tell us how to be healthier and even then sometimes they are wrong. Our bodies are strong and carry us through our highs and our lows. Our bodies deserve our care and respect and not our hate or disdain. Let's all work on unlearning and healing from the hate we have shown our bodies and practice more self compassion and self love.
Tuesday, October 29, 2019
Saturday, December 22, 2018
Noodles
It’s a couple days before Christmas and I am sitting in a noodle shop in Harlem. Yesterday I was in Chicago. Three days ago I was in California. My brain and my body don’t know what time it is and all I know is that I’m pretty hungry since Dan doesn’t have any food in his apartment. This day feels super normal. Like a random December day. Every year before this I’d be in Nebraska feeling half happy for being there and half guilty for not wanting to be. The normalcy of this day feels empty and lonely. I don’t have to be anywhere or do anything and that is odd to me. I have no obligations and it’s now that I know why people like to be needed.
Sunday, December 16, 2018
...
Looking back at your stoop.
Sunny and 40 degrees, a warm December morning
I wouldn’t have guessed that would be the last time I saw you
From my California hotel bed to your Chicago ceilings
Sounds of ending falling off your lips onto the receiver
6 weeks felt too short
It didn’t feel like enough
I spent the morning chanting with ease
“I am enough”
“I am enough”
“I am enough”
By evening
I didn’t even know those words existed
Sunny and 40 degrees, a warm December morning
I wouldn’t have guessed that would be the last time I saw you
From my California hotel bed to your Chicago ceilings
Sounds of ending falling off your lips onto the receiver
6 weeks felt too short
It didn’t feel like enough
I spent the morning chanting with ease
“I am enough”
“I am enough”
“I am enough”
By evening
I didn’t even know those words existed
Tuesday, December 11, 2018
2018
It’s that time of year again where I update this old crusty thing of a “blog.” Oddly enough one of my goals this year was to blog weekly, but that was an utter disaster. So next year I am going to aim for weekly. Until then, this is my yearly update.
As I read back on old posts I’m a bit disheartened to see that every post starts with “This year was hard” or “This month was hard” or “Being this age is hard.” While 2017 was an exceptionally challenging year, the rest of the moments I am reflecting on were challenging, but doable. All of this being said, I am glad to say that 2018 had its challenges, but I can not justify myself in saying that it was hard. In a lot of ways, this past year was boring. I was stuck in the monotony of being a full time employee, a part time Grad student, and an intern leaving little time for spontaneity. I tried to do a video a day this year, but decided that my friends would probably not want to see 300 videos of me reading. While I could be frustrated by this boredom, I can sit with it knowing that it is temporary and sooner than I will expect, I will have my life back and will be able to do more things that I love.
Much of 2018 was spent working on discipline. Days and weeks and months were spent working on the negative thoughts that 2017 created and while they are not all gone, they don’t have the control they had last November which is pretty amazing. I have my moments where I turn into a ball of anxiety and don’t know what to do, but they are far less frequent than they used to be. Next year I hope to continue that trend.
I’m leaving this year knowing that I am ok. I am ok by myself and I can do it by myself. While I am proud of myself for this self assuredness I now want to start working on trusting other people again. Just because I can do it all myself does not mean that I have to.
2018 was a good, simple year. A younger me would have hated me for saying that, but by going back to focusing on the basics, I’ll be able to handle the bigger things. For 2019, I’m going to focus on that. Hopefully I’ll check in before it’s over.
As I read back on old posts I’m a bit disheartened to see that every post starts with “This year was hard” or “This month was hard” or “Being this age is hard.” While 2017 was an exceptionally challenging year, the rest of the moments I am reflecting on were challenging, but doable. All of this being said, I am glad to say that 2018 had its challenges, but I can not justify myself in saying that it was hard. In a lot of ways, this past year was boring. I was stuck in the monotony of being a full time employee, a part time Grad student, and an intern leaving little time for spontaneity. I tried to do a video a day this year, but decided that my friends would probably not want to see 300 videos of me reading. While I could be frustrated by this boredom, I can sit with it knowing that it is temporary and sooner than I will expect, I will have my life back and will be able to do more things that I love.
Much of 2018 was spent working on discipline. Days and weeks and months were spent working on the negative thoughts that 2017 created and while they are not all gone, they don’t have the control they had last November which is pretty amazing. I have my moments where I turn into a ball of anxiety and don’t know what to do, but they are far less frequent than they used to be. Next year I hope to continue that trend.
I’m leaving this year knowing that I am ok. I am ok by myself and I can do it by myself. While I am proud of myself for this self assuredness I now want to start working on trusting other people again. Just because I can do it all myself does not mean that I have to.
2018 was a good, simple year. A younger me would have hated me for saying that, but by going back to focusing on the basics, I’ll be able to handle the bigger things. For 2019, I’m going to focus on that. Hopefully I’ll check in before it’s over.
Wednesday, December 27, 2017
2017
I feel like I say this every year, but 2017 was hard. It was really hard. Entering this year, I did not know what to expect. I had hopes, intentions, and expectations, but I also had fears. I feared conflict and rejection. I feared disappointment and loneliness. I feared fear on its own. What I did not know when I entered this year was how much these fears would eat me alive.
When I entered 2017, I had recently had an argument with my father over the holiday. I had expected that like all other fights, we would make up. However, that did not happen. January led to radio silence. February led to unanswered phone calls. March led to screaming matches over the phone filled with tears. April led to 3 vicious emails containing misogynistic slurs and details of me not being his child anymore based on my beliefs. May led to numbness. June led to suicidal thoughts, intense therapy, and medication.
However, July led to hope. My sister got married and the wedding was beautiful. My fractured family found a way to mend the wounds and be together and I was hopeful. I wanted to repair the relationship between my father and I and Jen's wedding had me thinking that I could. But, July turned to August, and August to September. I received a new letter from my dad and it said that I am"fantastically insulting." The mending wounds split in two. The dark thoughts came back and I felt worthless.
I closed myself off. I put my "go-getter" attitude at the forefront, dove into school, and focused on work. I did not allow myself to feel and for a short time it worked. I was able to pretend that I was ok and even I believed the act.
October flew by with exams, papers, and busyness, but November showed me what was truly going on. I thought I was ok, but one night while out on a party bus with a friend for his birthday I got lost in myself. I began to disassociate and I remember nothing. The little I know comes from a phone call with a friend who tells me I walked the streets of Chicago at 2 am and spoke of wanting to die. This was my rock bottom.
After conversations with friends and my therapist I realized I was not allowing myself to feel. I was not allowing myself to process the immense pain that my dad put me through. By doing this, my body and mind were caving in on themselves.
Over the past few weeks, I have been focused on being open to my feelings and being vulnerable. I have allowed myself to be not ok. I have opened up about how I am truly feeling. While it has only been a few weeks, I feel empowered.
Tonight, my dad told me that he stands by everything he has said this past year. It hurts. So bad. But, I am stronger now. I know the pain that I have felt this past year and I know that I have people who support me. I will persevere through this and through 2018.
This is not the year that I wanted, but it is the year that taught me what strength and vulnerability mean.
When I entered 2017, I had recently had an argument with my father over the holiday. I had expected that like all other fights, we would make up. However, that did not happen. January led to radio silence. February led to unanswered phone calls. March led to screaming matches over the phone filled with tears. April led to 3 vicious emails containing misogynistic slurs and details of me not being his child anymore based on my beliefs. May led to numbness. June led to suicidal thoughts, intense therapy, and medication.
However, July led to hope. My sister got married and the wedding was beautiful. My fractured family found a way to mend the wounds and be together and I was hopeful. I wanted to repair the relationship between my father and I and Jen's wedding had me thinking that I could. But, July turned to August, and August to September. I received a new letter from my dad and it said that I am"fantastically insulting." The mending wounds split in two. The dark thoughts came back and I felt worthless.
I closed myself off. I put my "go-getter" attitude at the forefront, dove into school, and focused on work. I did not allow myself to feel and for a short time it worked. I was able to pretend that I was ok and even I believed the act.
October flew by with exams, papers, and busyness, but November showed me what was truly going on. I thought I was ok, but one night while out on a party bus with a friend for his birthday I got lost in myself. I began to disassociate and I remember nothing. The little I know comes from a phone call with a friend who tells me I walked the streets of Chicago at 2 am and spoke of wanting to die. This was my rock bottom.
After conversations with friends and my therapist I realized I was not allowing myself to feel. I was not allowing myself to process the immense pain that my dad put me through. By doing this, my body and mind were caving in on themselves.
Over the past few weeks, I have been focused on being open to my feelings and being vulnerable. I have allowed myself to be not ok. I have opened up about how I am truly feeling. While it has only been a few weeks, I feel empowered.
Tonight, my dad told me that he stands by everything he has said this past year. It hurts. So bad. But, I am stronger now. I know the pain that I have felt this past year and I know that I have people who support me. I will persevere through this and through 2018.
This is not the year that I wanted, but it is the year that taught me what strength and vulnerability mean.
Friday, December 30, 2016
Lessons Learned from 2016
These days everyone is counting down the hours, minutes, and seconds until this wild year is over. There is a movie trailer that parodizes this year: https://www.facebook.com/LADbible/videos/3038672026179967/?pnref=storyThere are gofundme's to protect Betty White: https://www.gofundme.com/help-protect-betty-white-from-2016. And, naturally, there are entire twitter accounts, reddit feeds, and blogs that solely focus on the blunders from this past year. It has been interesting. That is for certain, but I know that I learned a lot about myself, my vocation, my strengths, and my weaknesses. Despite this year having been rather challenging, I am leaving it only slightly scathed and very loved.
New Year's is my favorite holiday. As a child I would write pages and pages in a journal about the highlights of my year in fear that I would forget the events of my life. While I no longer spend hours journaling, I do like to take time to reflect so here is a list of the top 16 lessons I learned and the top 16 moments of my year (in no particular order).
1. Drink more water - learned from marathon training and everyday life.
2. Homemade food is always better than boxed food - learned from making Sunday night dinners with Bridget.
3. It never hurts to reach out to old friends - learned from reaching out to Ian and Bridget when they moved to Chicago. They were two friends I had not spoken to in about a year. Now they are some of my closest friends.
4. Money is better spent on experiences and not things - learned from putting my paychecks towards concerts and travelling instead of materials.
5. It's ok to drive a crappy car - learned from driving my baby blue 1994 Ford Taurus that I am now rather fond of.
6. I cannot party like I did in college - learned from a night out with Julianna while home that left me bed-ridden for much of the next day. Waving a white flag.
7. Blink-182 was right, nobody likes you when you're 23 - learned from life.
8. Girlfriends are the best friends to have - learned from the strong, confident, and inspiring women that fill my life.
9. Be nice to nice boys - learned from regretting being mean to someone that really didn't deserve it. We met on a holiday. I wish him well.
10. Don't break your phone or park your car in a no parking zone - learned from emptying my wallet far too many times.
11. Being financially independent is empowering even in the midst of a tight budget - learned by successfully paying my own bills and rarely having to rely on my family for financial assistance. I feel lucky to have this privilege so young.
12. Sometimes you just need to listen - learned from social work jobs and post grad adjustment.
13. Always give yourself 15 extra minutes - learned from always being late (by 15 minutes).
14. It's ok to cry, and laughing is cool too - learned from Nora McInerny Purmort's book of the same title which came into my life just when I needed it.
15. It's ok to be not ok - learned from a year of working through my anxiety and melancholia.
16. It is ok to change course from what you thought you would be doing - learned from realizing that I need to make some changes and now knowing that it is ok.
Best Moments of 2016
1. # blueHearts reunion in Omaha.
2. Running the Chicago Marathon.
3. Hiking in Rocky Mountain National Park on the Bicentennial of the founding of the National Parks.
4. Watching the Cubs win the World Series.
5. Joining Live Grit's marathon training team.
6. Living with my wonderful MercyWorks roommates.
7. Doing insane amounts of yoga.
8. St. Paddy's Day celebrations.
9. Joining November Project
10. Running a 5k with my dad in New York.
11. Being an aunt to 4 fabulous children.
12. Seeing countless concerts.
13. Protesting for the first time.
14. All the camping.
15. Moving into my first real apartment.
16. Going to *almost* all of the museums in Chicago during the free museum month in February.
12. Seeing countless concerts.
13. Protesting for the first time.
14. All the camping.
15. Moving into my first real apartment.
16. Going to *almost* all of the museums in Chicago during the free museum month in February.
2016 was hard, but it was also life-giving. My hope is that I hold these lessons and continue to let them teach me in the days, weeks, months, and years to come. I hope that 2017 will contain just as many lessons and just as many joys for myself and for all the people in the universe.
Happy New Year.
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
Post 2016 Election Thoughts
I have been at work for the past hour and a half and I have yet to do any work related tasks. Why might you ask? I am utterly heartbroken due to Donald Trump being elected president, all of the branches of the government leaning in the direction of the Republican party, and Nebraska reinstating the death penalty. I am heartbroken that enough people that share my nationality thought it was appropriate to vote for all of these things at one time.
I have several friends and family that leaned right this election or didn't side with her. I respect your right to make your own decisions and I am proud to say that most of the people I know voted, but forgive me for asking what the hell were you thinking. We just elected someone who has made promises to oppress anyone that is not a white, heterosexual, conservative, wealthy male. We just turned the house and the senate into a vehicle that will potentially support all of our "president's" hateful rhetoric. We just made it legal to kill people in Nebraska who made mistakes that of course they should atone for, but not DIE for.
I considered taking PTO today, but instead I sit at my desk holding back tears (and occasionally letting them out because I am actually a cry baby and this is too much for my heart and my emotions). I did not take PTO because my clients are the very people that our "president" would like to wash out of our country. My clients are primarily people of color that are in the LGBTQ community. I have to be here to let them know that someone still is. I cannot imagine the fear and sadness that they are experiencing.
I am a person of privilege. I am a white, middle-class, heterosexual, college educated person with high hopes of getting a higher degree. I have to put myself back together so that I can support those who need it more than I do. Let us all hug our loved one's a little tighter and remember that we have to stay and do hard things. We have to advocate until we cannot advocate anymore. We have to educate ourselves. We have to speak up. We have to show the young people in our world that the next four years of their life will not define the rest of their life.
As for my friends and family who are conservative. PLEASE prove me wrong. Please recognize the oppressed as dignified, holy, human beings. Open your hearts. Open your minds. Consider the long term effects of the legislation that our "president" has promised. Please take the next four years to define your political party in a better way than it is politically defined currently.
As for my generation. We have a lot of work to do and I know that we can do it. We are young. We are spry. We are intelligent. We are compassionate. Please don't run away to Canada. We need you to make this country what we know it can be, the American Dream, a place where no matter your identity, you feel loved and safe.
I needed to get these feelings off my chest because I am an emotional wreck. That noted, I am sorry if this does not make sense. However, I am not sorry if you are offended now that I live in a wildly offensive country. Promote Peace. Promote Love. Promote Justice.
I have several friends and family that leaned right this election or didn't side with her. I respect your right to make your own decisions and I am proud to say that most of the people I know voted, but forgive me for asking what the hell were you thinking. We just elected someone who has made promises to oppress anyone that is not a white, heterosexual, conservative, wealthy male. We just turned the house and the senate into a vehicle that will potentially support all of our "president's" hateful rhetoric. We just made it legal to kill people in Nebraska who made mistakes that of course they should atone for, but not DIE for.
I considered taking PTO today, but instead I sit at my desk holding back tears (and occasionally letting them out because I am actually a cry baby and this is too much for my heart and my emotions). I did not take PTO because my clients are the very people that our "president" would like to wash out of our country. My clients are primarily people of color that are in the LGBTQ community. I have to be here to let them know that someone still is. I cannot imagine the fear and sadness that they are experiencing.
I am a person of privilege. I am a white, middle-class, heterosexual, college educated person with high hopes of getting a higher degree. I have to put myself back together so that I can support those who need it more than I do. Let us all hug our loved one's a little tighter and remember that we have to stay and do hard things. We have to advocate until we cannot advocate anymore. We have to educate ourselves. We have to speak up. We have to show the young people in our world that the next four years of their life will not define the rest of their life.
As for my friends and family who are conservative. PLEASE prove me wrong. Please recognize the oppressed as dignified, holy, human beings. Open your hearts. Open your minds. Consider the long term effects of the legislation that our "president" has promised. Please take the next four years to define your political party in a better way than it is politically defined currently.
As for my generation. We have a lot of work to do and I know that we can do it. We are young. We are spry. We are intelligent. We are compassionate. Please don't run away to Canada. We need you to make this country what we know it can be, the American Dream, a place where no matter your identity, you feel loved and safe.
I needed to get these feelings off my chest because I am an emotional wreck. That noted, I am sorry if this does not make sense. However, I am not sorry if you are offended now that I live in a wildly offensive country. Promote Peace. Promote Love. Promote Justice.
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