I feel like I say this every year, but 2017 was hard. It was really hard. Entering this year, I did not know what to expect. I had hopes, intentions, and expectations, but I also had fears. I feared conflict and rejection. I feared disappointment and loneliness. I feared fear on its own. What I did not know when I entered this year was how much these fears would eat me alive.
When I entered 2017, I had recently had an argument with my father over the holiday. I had expected that like all other fights, we would make up. However, that did not happen. January led to radio silence. February led to unanswered phone calls. March led to screaming matches over the phone filled with tears. April led to 3 vicious emails containing misogynistic slurs and details of me not being his child anymore based on my beliefs. May led to numbness. June led to suicidal thoughts, intense therapy, and medication.
However, July led to hope. My sister got married and the wedding was beautiful. My fractured family found a way to mend the wounds and be together and I was hopeful. I wanted to repair the relationship between my father and I and Jen's wedding had me thinking that I could. But, July turned to August, and August to September. I received a new letter from my dad and it said that I am"fantastically insulting." The mending wounds split in two. The dark thoughts came back and I felt worthless.
I closed myself off. I put my "go-getter" attitude at the forefront, dove into school, and focused on work. I did not allow myself to feel and for a short time it worked. I was able to pretend that I was ok and even I believed the act.
October flew by with exams, papers, and busyness, but November showed me what was truly going on. I thought I was ok, but one night while out on a party bus with a friend for his birthday I got lost in myself. I began to disassociate and I remember nothing. The little I know comes from a phone call with a friend who tells me I walked the streets of Chicago at 2 am and spoke of wanting to die. This was my rock bottom.
After conversations with friends and my therapist I realized I was not allowing myself to feel. I was not allowing myself to process the immense pain that my dad put me through. By doing this, my body and mind were caving in on themselves.
Over the past few weeks, I have been focused on being open to my feelings and being vulnerable. I have allowed myself to be not ok. I have opened up about how I am truly feeling. While it has only been a few weeks, I feel empowered.
Tonight, my dad told me that he stands by everything he has said this past year. It hurts. So bad. But, I am stronger now. I know the pain that I have felt this past year and I know that I have people who support me. I will persevere through this and through 2018.
This is not the year that I wanted, but it is the year that taught me what strength and vulnerability mean.
