I recognize that I haven’t accessed
this blog in a while. Yes, I finished my year of service. Yes, I found a job. Yes,
I have a place to live and I am very comfortable. No, I have not yet finished
unpacking the experience that is doing a year of service and I am very unsure
of how I really feel about anything at the time being, but I suppose I will let
you know when I do. For now I am taking everything one day at a time and what I
am realizing is that it is really fucking hard, but it is absolutely doable.
I keep telling my friends and
family that I wish people would have told me just how hard it is to be a young
person in their 20s living independently. Bills, dumb guys, parking tickets,
missing toenails, no AC in the car on 90 degree days, and rotten asparagus are
a few of the highlights of this past week of my life - not to mention Sam’s
Club making my life more difficult than I ever thought a supermarket could. Yet,
I am still here trying to fall asleep so that I can show up to my new job where
I still really don’t know what I am doing and where one of my coworkers
continues to call me “new girl” in an attempt to be endearing.
Being 22 is kind of exhausting,
but what I am realizing is that I am being exhausted by trivial matters. Having
bills means that I am able to live as an independent person out of college
which is unfortunately rare these days. Having no AC in my car will teach me
humility and gratitude for the time in my future when I will be able to afford
a car that has AC. Having rotten vegetables is teaching me to be mindful of my
purchases and creative with my cooking. Dumb guys are just dumb guys who will
maybe not be dumb guys someday, but they are teaching me to appreciate all of
the true, genuine, selfless friends that I do have. Someday I won’t be the new
girl at my job and when the next new girl shows up, I will welcome her with
open arms.
Right now I am in a slightly
ambivalent position. Historically I have had the utmost confidence in each
decision I made, but due to situational details I have not had that luxury in
the past few months and I have had to trust in my gut. I have to trust that I
am making the right decisions. I also have to trust that if I find myself to be
unhappy that I will have the strength and courage to start all over again.
While coming home and eating ice
cream alone may not be the most romantic image, I think that someday I will
look on these annoying frustrations and trivial times with gratitude. I
currently am grateful for all of the people in my life who are walking with me
through it – particularly Bridget and Alyssa who get the brunt of my crabbiness
and who are selfless in their ability to listen and be present.
I may not be happy all of the
time, but I am joyful and that I can be grateful for.
