Lessons Learned from 2016

These days everyone is counting down the hours, minutes, and seconds until this wild year is over. There is a movie trailer that parodizes this year: https://www.facebook.com/LADbible/videos/3038672026179967/?pnref=storyThere are gofundme's to protect Betty White: https://www.gofundme.com/help-protect-betty-white-from-2016. And, naturally, there are entire twitter accounts, reddit feeds, and blogs that solely focus on the blunders from this past year. It has been interesting. That is for certain, but I know that I learned a lot about myself, my vocation, my strengths, and my weaknesses. Despite this year having been rather challenging, I am leaving it only slightly scathed and very loved. 

New Year's is my favorite holiday. As a child I would write pages and pages in a journal about the highlights of my year in fear that I would forget the events of my life. While I no longer spend hours journaling, I do like to take time to reflect so here is a list of the top 16 lessons I learned and the top 16 moments of my year (in no particular order).

Lessons Learned from 2016

1. Drink more water - learned from marathon training and everyday life.

2. Homemade food is always better than boxed food - learned from making Sunday night dinners with Bridget.

3.  It never hurts to reach out to old friends - learned from reaching out to Ian and Bridget when they moved to Chicago. They were two friends I had not spoken to in about a year. Now they are some of my closest friends.

4. Money is better spent on experiences and not things - learned from putting my paychecks towards concerts and travelling instead of materials.

5. It's ok to drive a crappy car - learned from driving my baby blue 1994 Ford Taurus that I am now rather fond of.

6. I cannot party like I did in college - learned from a night out with Julianna while home that left me bed-ridden for much of the next day. Waving a white flag.

7. Blink-182 was right, nobody likes you when you're 23 - learned from life.

8. Girlfriends are the best friends to have - learned from the strong, confident, and inspiring women that fill my life.

9. Be nice to nice boys - learned from regretting being mean to someone that really didn't deserve it. We met on a holiday. I wish him well.

10. Don't break your phone or park your car in a no parking zone - learned from emptying my wallet far too many times.

11. Being financially independent is empowering even in the midst of a tight budget - learned by successfully paying my own bills and rarely having to rely on my family for financial assistance. I feel lucky to have this privilege so young.

12. Sometimes you just need to listen - learned from social work jobs and post grad adjustment.

13. Always give yourself 15 extra minutes - learned from always being late (by 15 minutes).

14. It's ok to cry, and laughing is cool too - learned from Nora McInerny Purmort's book of the same title which came into my life just when I needed it.

15. It's ok to be not ok - learned from a year of working through my anxiety and melancholia.

16. It is ok to change course from what you thought you would be doing - learned from realizing that I need to make some changes and now knowing that it is ok.

Best Moments of 2016

1. # blueHearts reunion in Omaha.

2. Running the Chicago Marathon.

3. Hiking in Rocky Mountain National Park on the Bicentennial of the founding of the National Parks.

4. Watching the Cubs win the World Series.

5. Joining Live Grit's marathon training team.

6. Living with my wonderful MercyWorks roommates.

7. Doing insane amounts of yoga.

8. St. Paddy's Day celebrations.

9. Joining November Project

10. Running a 5k with my dad in New York.

11. Being an aunt to 4 fabulous children.


12. Seeing countless concerts.


13. Protesting for the first time.


14. All the camping.


15. Moving into my first real apartment.


16. Going to *almost* all of the museums in Chicago during the free museum month in February.

2016 was hard, but it was also life-giving. My hope is that I hold these lessons and continue to let them teach me in the days, weeks, months, and years to come. I hope that 2017 will contain just as many lessons and just as many joys for myself and for all the people in the universe.

Happy New Year.

Post 2016 Election Thoughts

I have been at work for the past hour and a half and I have yet to do any work related tasks. Why might you ask? I am utterly heartbroken due to Donald Trump being elected president, all of the branches of the government leaning in the direction of the Republican party, and Nebraska reinstating the death penalty. I am heartbroken that enough people that share my nationality thought it was appropriate to vote for all of these things at one time.

I have several friends and family that leaned right this election or didn't side with her. I respect your right to make your own decisions and I am proud to say that most of the people I know voted, but forgive me for asking what the hell were you thinking. We just elected someone who has made promises to oppress anyone that is not a white, heterosexual, conservative, wealthy male. We just turned the house and the senate into a vehicle that will potentially support all of our "president's" hateful rhetoric. We just made it legal to kill people in Nebraska who made mistakes that of course they should atone for, but not DIE for.

I considered taking PTO today, but instead I sit at my desk holding back tears (and occasionally letting them out because I am actually a cry baby and this is too much for my heart and my emotions). I did not take PTO because my clients are the very people that our "president" would like to wash out of our country. My clients are primarily people of color that are in the LGBTQ community. I have to be here to let them know that someone still is. I cannot imagine the fear and sadness that they are experiencing.

I am a person of privilege. I am a white, middle-class, heterosexual, college educated person with high hopes of getting a higher degree. I have to put myself back together so that I can support those who need it more than I do. Let us all hug our loved one's a little tighter and remember that we have to stay and do hard things. We have to advocate until we cannot advocate anymore. We have to educate ourselves. We have to speak up. We have to show the young people in our world that the next four years of their life will not define the rest of their life.

As for my friends and family who are conservative. PLEASE prove me wrong. Please recognize the oppressed as dignified, holy, human beings. Open your hearts. Open your minds. Consider the long term effects of the legislation that our "president" has promised. Please take the next four years to define your political party in a better way than it is politically defined currently.

As for my generation. We have a lot of work to do and I know that we can do it. We are young. We are spry. We are intelligent. We are compassionate. Please don't run away to Canada. We need you to make this country what we know it can be, the American Dream, a place where no matter your identity, you feel loved and safe.

I needed to get these feelings off my chest because I am an emotional wreck. That noted, I am sorry if this does not make sense. However, I am not sorry if you are offended now that I live in a wildly offensive country. Promote Peace. Promote Love. Promote Justice.

100 Happy Days

If I am being honest, I have been operating between a four and a five out of ten on my own happiness scale lately. What I mean to say by that is that over the past few months I have been finding myself feeling down, anxious, frustrated, insecure, and emotionally spent more often than I find myself feeling joy, confidence, and happiness. I would not quite say that I have entered a depressive state, but I am not where I would like to be in regards to my own mental health. I have known this for a while and I have been chasing happiness down for a few weeks. I have been reading memoirs by my favorite authors. I have been painting my nails bright colors. I have been eating foods that are scientifically proven to be mood boosters. I have been journaling. I have been attending different activities in the city. However, nothing seems to stick. It’s been a while since I have found myself in a state like this and I have decided to try out an old practice that worked for me before.

Today I am starting 100 happy days for the second time. The concept of 100 happy days is to take a picture of something/someone/or some event that made you happy for 100 days in a row, no exceptions. The last time I attempted this practice was at the end of my junior year of college. I started it as I was in the midst of the worst breakup that I have ever had. I am not exaggerating when I say that during the week that followed that break up I did not eat and I slept and cried for several hours every day. My siblings went from worried to genuinely concerned rather quickly and were trying to help me put myself back together. With them I found 100 happy days. It seemed silly at the time, but at the end of my 100 days, I genuinely felt like a happier person.  Though I had some rather challenging experiences happen over my last 100 days like being hospitalized for exhaustion and working three jobs while studying for the GRE, I found a way to find the good in everything. I need to get back to that.

This time around, I am going to post my photos to Instagram and will be following a few key rules:

1. Be honest. Lying about what is making me happy kind of defeats the purpose of this whole experiment.
2. No apologies. If coloring a mandala and going to bed at 9pm is what made me happy for a day that is ok.
3. Vices (alcohol/sympathy desserts) in and of themselves cannot be my “happy” for the day. I know that there are other things that can bring me genuine happiness.
4. No dating apps over the 100 days. I am not closing myself off for these 100 days, but I don’t think I need to be so open either. It is time to focus on me for a little bit.
5. If I am not feeling/seeing any impact after 30 days, it’s time to seek some professional assistance. I have no issues with seeing a therapist/mental health professional, but I don’t think I am quite at that point yet.

 If you are curious about how I am doing, feel free to check my photos out. My Instagram handle is sarahkelly930. I am excited and curious to see how my next 100 days of happy are going to go, but my hope is that I can come back to myself. Here’s to fighting for happiness and a full life. 

Marathon Round 2

Yikes, I just looked at my marathon app and it let me know that in about 21.5 hours I will be embarking on my second marathon. For some reason when I signed up to run back in April I thought that things would be different this time around. Last year I was a ball of nerves as I got to the start line. I had been training with my roommate Anna, but neither or us knew what to expect. It was our first marathon and we had yet to cross into the waters of a full 26.2 miles of running. I thought in April that having completed a marathon, the start line would be less emotional, but now that I am here, I think I was wrong.

Here is a bit of an explanation of how I am feeling about the marathon: 

I am nervous. No matter how much training you do or do not put in, the beauty of the marathon is that you cannot predict what will happen. The weather may change. I could twist an ankle. I could get sick. I could run the best race of my life. I could PR. There is so much that could happen so I am a good mix of nerves.

I am sad. When I started this training cycle, I was in a major time of transition in my life. I just finished my year as a volunteer. I just started working a new job. I just moved into a new apartment. I felt a little lost and training was brutal in those weeks. If I did two runs and hit 15 miles for the week, I was happy even though I should have been hitting between 25 and 35 miles. It was not until my running coach Kristan reached out to me to come train with Live Grit as I had said I would when I signed up to run that I really began to train. I begrudgingly went to my first track practice and it went ok. I then promised to go to the long run, but ended up skipping it because on that day I wanted to quit the marathon. I texted literally ten of my friends at 6:30 in the morning and told them I was going to quit. They told me it was simply too early to do that. I stayed in bed and cried for the rest of the morning, but then committed to running. Finally (at the end of July, 8 weeks after training should have started) I started attending track workouts and long runs with Live Grit by choice and I am so grateful that I did. Running with Live Grit was one of the highlights of my summer. I met some of the most dedicated and loving athletes that Chicago has to offer and I fell in love with running again. I am sad that the marathon is here because it means that I will not be seeing these human beings that have began to mean so much to me as often. Thankfully, Live Grit hosts weekly run clubs and a variety of other fun events so it isn't a total goodbye, but it is a change.

I am excited. Since Kristan kicked my ass this summer with running, I am in the best shape that I think I could be in for the marathon. Recently I ran a 2:00:03 half marathon and a 53:09 10k which would have only been a dream at the beginning of this year. I am excited to let my body do what I know it can do and I am excited to celebrate all of this hard work. Chicago is a different city on marathon day and I am ready to bask in the glory of the race.

Most importantly, I am grateful. I am grateful for the sport of running. Without running, I would be a shell of myself. Running carried me through the trauma of my youth, the development of my college years, and the unknown of postgraduate life. This sport has taught me about resilience, dedication, and passion and I am so thankful for that. I am grateful to Live Grit for being the best training group I could have asked for. I am grateful for my roommates who have dealt with me throughout this training  cycle and last year's training cycle. Bridget and Alyssa were there for me when I was crying about not being able or willing to run, but were also there to cheer me on as I recommitted. Both of them have listened to me talk about running more than anyone ever wants to hear anyone talk about running and I am so grateful to both of them. I am grateful to those who donated to my fundraising page and I am also grateful for Mercy Home. This is my second year running for Mercy Home, but I think this year it means more to me. Through my work at Mercy Home and through MercyWorks, I became a fuller and more whole version of myself. I found my vocation and I learned about who and how I want to be. The youth that live there inspire me to put 100% into everything that I do and are a great reminder that I am immensely blessed and privileged. I feel honored to run for such a stunning and life-giving organization and I am grateful that they are allowing me to run for them.

So as time dwindles down, I am ready and excited for the marathon. It has truly been a growing experience to train this summer and also ponder life as I know it. Thank you Anna, Bridget, Alyssa, MercyWorks, Mercy Home, Live Grit, Leah, Kritstan, Justine, Cheryl, Michelle, Tim, Rosemary, Whitney, Becky, Jim, Live Grit, Mom, Dad, family, friends, and everyone else who has run with me, talked me through stress and anxiety, and just been there. This race is for you and I'll see you at the finish line. 

Adulting

I recognize that I haven’t accessed this blog in a while. Yes, I finished my year of service. Yes, I found a job. Yes, I have a place to live and I am very comfortable. No, I have not yet finished unpacking the experience that is doing a year of service and I am very unsure of how I really feel about anything at the time being, but I suppose I will let you know when I do. For now I am taking everything one day at a time and what I am realizing is that it is really fucking hard, but it is absolutely doable.

I keep telling my friends and family that I wish people would have told me just how hard it is to be a young person in their 20s living independently. Bills, dumb guys, parking tickets, missing toenails, no AC in the car on 90 degree days, and rotten asparagus are a few of the highlights of this past week of my life - not to mention Sam’s Club making my life more difficult than I ever thought a supermarket could. Yet, I am still here trying to fall asleep so that I can show up to my new job where I still really don’t know what I am doing and where one of my coworkers continues to call me “new girl” in an attempt to be endearing.

Being 22 is kind of exhausting, but what I am realizing is that I am being exhausted by trivial matters. Having bills means that I am able to live as an independent person out of college which is unfortunately rare these days. Having no AC in my car will teach me humility and gratitude for the time in my future when I will be able to afford a car that has AC. Having rotten vegetables is teaching me to be mindful of my purchases and creative with my cooking. Dumb guys are just dumb guys who will maybe not be dumb guys someday, but they are teaching me to appreciate all of the true, genuine, selfless friends that I do have. Someday I won’t be the new girl at my job and when the next new girl shows up, I will welcome her with open arms.

Right now I am in a slightly ambivalent position. Historically I have had the utmost confidence in each decision I made, but due to situational details I have not had that luxury in the past few months and I have had to trust in my gut. I have to trust that I am making the right decisions. I also have to trust that if I find myself to be unhappy that I will have the strength and courage to start all over again.

While coming home and eating ice cream alone may not be the most romantic image, I think that someday I will look on these annoying frustrations and trivial times with gratitude. I currently am grateful for all of the people in my life who are walking with me through it – particularly Bridget and Alyssa who get the brunt of my crabbiness and who are selfless in their ability to listen and be present.

I may not be happy all of the time, but I am joyful and that I can be grateful for. 

Transition

Yesterday I was running a long run (11 miles) as part of my training for a half that is happening at the end of May. In the past, I was always afraid to run long runs by myself. I feared that when times got tough I would quit because I would not have someone to challenged me to push myself harder, but I have found that is not the case for me recently.

As I was running, I found myself experiencing true solitude and it allowed me time to process my upcoming transition. At this time in two months, I will (hopefully) have a new job and be living in a new apartment. I will no longer be a full-time volunteer and I will no longer be living in a volunteer community. Everything is about to change in an inexplicable way which honestly freaks me out.

However, I am able to reflect on a few positives. I still have two months to truly enjoy my community and the benefits of being a volunteer. A year ago, I was just as nervous about my upcoming transition into my current life, but everything played out in a live giving way so I have to trust that everything will continue to happen in a way that it is supposed to. I have to trust that God will give me what I need and I can only hope that it will resemble what I want. If I find myself unhappy, I have to trust that I will have the strength and courage to make necessary changes.

I find that I struggle with transition though it has been a natural part of my life for much of what I can remember. Much like running, I have to remember to breathe and focus only on that which I can control. I have to remember to give my body and my soul what it needs through this transition, not what it necessarily wants. Just as I finish every long run - good or bad - I will make it through this transition and I will have learned about myself and this world because of it.

Running, Yoga, and Magnesium Glycinate (among other things)

I have been contemplating this post for the past couple of months. I have known that it needs to be written, but I was not quite sure what to say. It was not until this morning when it took me an hour to get out of bed that I knew I needed to write it.

Shots with Alex.

Growing up, I was always anxious. Thoughts and feelings constantly fluttered throughout my head and I never quite understood why my brain always seemed to be moving. However, I was always able to maintain my anxiety with running, sleep, and silence until this year. In early January I found it incredibly difficult for me to get out of bed due to my anxiety. I could not breathe and contemplating even the first steps of my day felt like too much. Running would not solve my problem, nor would enough sleep, journaling, or any of my other proven fixes. I knew I needed something else.

Thankfully I had a friend introduce me to magnesium glycinate. One pill twice a day of this supplement has changed my life for the better. Yes, I still need to run and do yoga. Yes I need to sleep and journal, but at least now I can breathe. I can accomplish everything I need to do in a day without feeling as if the tasks are insurmountable. I truly do not think that I could do this without this supplement.

While I have been able to better manage my anxiety, I have found this year to be excruciatingly challenging (in the most beautiful way). This morning I woke up feeling rather down because of a variety of things, but mostly because my year is over 3/4 of the way done and I have not a clue of what I will be doing next year. Though I know what I would like to do nothing is guaranteed and I have to sit with that (which is ok).

When I made the decision to do MercyWorks, I was so incredibly sure of myself and joyful. Now as I weigh my options for next year, I find that my heart is being pulled in an array of directions. Do I remain a youth care worker or do something else at Mercy. Do I stay at Mercy at all? Do I live in another intentional community or do I rough it with my best friend in a hip neighborhood? These are all questions that I contemplate on a day to day basis. It makes me sad because it means that something incredibly special and life giving will be ending soon.

MercyWorks has been incredibly difficult. I have found my ways to work through the challenges in yoga, running, and reflecting, but I am also so genuinely grateful for the challenges that MercyWorks has presented me. I am a stronger me, a gentler me, and a more humble me.

Cheers to 3 more months.

Halfway There

I realize that it has actually been about three months since I have updated this page, but let's just say that I have had a hell of a lot of living and breathing to do and this blog was not my top priority (or even in the list of priorities for that matter). However, we just got back from our mid-year winter retreat and in exactly 5 months I will be completing my final day as a volunteer SO I have been feeling reflective and sentimental and now feel like writing about it.

So here we go.

There are many things about next year that I am looking forward to including:

• Living with Bridget and adopting a cat (Ralph) and a dog (Willy)
• Reinstating my spotify premium account (and Netflix and Hulu accounts)
• Having an income and using that income
• Having the ability to buy whatever food I want aka farmer's market veg and co-op bread
• Having more freedom to travel
• Not being so new to the city of Chicago
• Potentially a new job either at Mercy Home or elsewhere

Yes - I have thought of a few things and I am sure that I can think of more. While I often contemplate my future in the city, I still am rather attached to what I have now and cannot help, but think about what I will miss and what I will never get back including:

• My 14 remarkable roommates who teach me something new everyday
• Being a volunteer and everything that comes with it - 10 boxes of expired chewy bars and all
• The apartment where we find something everyday like a loving quote on the white board or moon shoes
• Having Katie and Emily at my beck and call whenever I am in the midst of trouble - work related and not or whenever I need someone to celebrate with
• Birthday door signs and birthday bottles
• Fruitful discussions about faith at bible study
• Challenging conversations about the state of our world and what we can do about it
• Community nights where I learn about myself, my house, and the world I live in
• Wednesday nights at Beer Bistro
• Working with the young men in Sheil Home - especially my advocatees
• Sharing laughter and tears with my roommates
• Random game nights
• Having 14 people to fall on when I get knocked down
• Having 14 people to lift up when they need me to
• Constant reminders to make myself the best person that I can be

It sounds cheesy, but it is true. Since retreat this is what I have been contemplating. It can be a challenge to look back at how much I have grown and learned while still in the midst of this bizarre experience, but I would never change it for anything.

I am so grateful that I said yes to the phenomenal opportunity that is MercyWorks and I hope to make these next 5 months count.