100 Happy Days

If I am being honest, I have been operating between a four and a five out of ten on my own happiness scale lately. What I mean to say by that is that over the past few months I have been finding myself feeling down, anxious, frustrated, insecure, and emotionally spent more often than I find myself feeling joy, confidence, and happiness. I would not quite say that I have entered a depressive state, but I am not where I would like to be in regards to my own mental health. I have known this for a while and I have been chasing happiness down for a few weeks. I have been reading memoirs by my favorite authors. I have been painting my nails bright colors. I have been eating foods that are scientifically proven to be mood boosters. I have been journaling. I have been attending different activities in the city. However, nothing seems to stick. It’s been a while since I have found myself in a state like this and I have decided to try out an old practice that worked for me before.

Today I am starting 100 happy days for the second time. The concept of 100 happy days is to take a picture of something/someone/or some event that made you happy for 100 days in a row, no exceptions. The last time I attempted this practice was at the end of my junior year of college. I started it as I was in the midst of the worst breakup that I have ever had. I am not exaggerating when I say that during the week that followed that break up I did not eat and I slept and cried for several hours every day. My siblings went from worried to genuinely concerned rather quickly and were trying to help me put myself back together. With them I found 100 happy days. It seemed silly at the time, but at the end of my 100 days, I genuinely felt like a happier person.  Though I had some rather challenging experiences happen over my last 100 days like being hospitalized for exhaustion and working three jobs while studying for the GRE, I found a way to find the good in everything. I need to get back to that.

This time around, I am going to post my photos to Instagram and will be following a few key rules:

1. Be honest. Lying about what is making me happy kind of defeats the purpose of this whole experiment.
2. No apologies. If coloring a mandala and going to bed at 9pm is what made me happy for a day that is ok.
3. Vices (alcohol/sympathy desserts) in and of themselves cannot be my “happy” for the day. I know that there are other things that can bring me genuine happiness.
4. No dating apps over the 100 days. I am not closing myself off for these 100 days, but I don’t think I need to be so open either. It is time to focus on me for a little bit.
5. If I am not feeling/seeing any impact after 30 days, it’s time to seek some professional assistance. I have no issues with seeing a therapist/mental health professional, but I don’t think I am quite at that point yet.

 If you are curious about how I am doing, feel free to check my photos out. My Instagram handle is sarahkelly930. I am excited and curious to see how my next 100 days of happy are going to go, but my hope is that I can come back to myself. Here’s to fighting for happiness and a full life. 

Marathon Round 2

Yikes, I just looked at my marathon app and it let me know that in about 21.5 hours I will be embarking on my second marathon. For some reason when I signed up to run back in April I thought that things would be different this time around. Last year I was a ball of nerves as I got to the start line. I had been training with my roommate Anna, but neither or us knew what to expect. It was our first marathon and we had yet to cross into the waters of a full 26.2 miles of running. I thought in April that having completed a marathon, the start line would be less emotional, but now that I am here, I think I was wrong.

Here is a bit of an explanation of how I am feeling about the marathon: 

I am nervous. No matter how much training you do or do not put in, the beauty of the marathon is that you cannot predict what will happen. The weather may change. I could twist an ankle. I could get sick. I could run the best race of my life. I could PR. There is so much that could happen so I am a good mix of nerves.

I am sad. When I started this training cycle, I was in a major time of transition in my life. I just finished my year as a volunteer. I just started working a new job. I just moved into a new apartment. I felt a little lost and training was brutal in those weeks. If I did two runs and hit 15 miles for the week, I was happy even though I should have been hitting between 25 and 35 miles. It was not until my running coach Kristan reached out to me to come train with Live Grit as I had said I would when I signed up to run that I really began to train. I begrudgingly went to my first track practice and it went ok. I then promised to go to the long run, but ended up skipping it because on that day I wanted to quit the marathon. I texted literally ten of my friends at 6:30 in the morning and told them I was going to quit. They told me it was simply too early to do that. I stayed in bed and cried for the rest of the morning, but then committed to running. Finally (at the end of July, 8 weeks after training should have started) I started attending track workouts and long runs with Live Grit by choice and I am so grateful that I did. Running with Live Grit was one of the highlights of my summer. I met some of the most dedicated and loving athletes that Chicago has to offer and I fell in love with running again. I am sad that the marathon is here because it means that I will not be seeing these human beings that have began to mean so much to me as often. Thankfully, Live Grit hosts weekly run clubs and a variety of other fun events so it isn't a total goodbye, but it is a change.

I am excited. Since Kristan kicked my ass this summer with running, I am in the best shape that I think I could be in for the marathon. Recently I ran a 2:00:03 half marathon and a 53:09 10k which would have only been a dream at the beginning of this year. I am excited to let my body do what I know it can do and I am excited to celebrate all of this hard work. Chicago is a different city on marathon day and I am ready to bask in the glory of the race.

Most importantly, I am grateful. I am grateful for the sport of running. Without running, I would be a shell of myself. Running carried me through the trauma of my youth, the development of my college years, and the unknown of postgraduate life. This sport has taught me about resilience, dedication, and passion and I am so thankful for that. I am grateful to Live Grit for being the best training group I could have asked for. I am grateful for my roommates who have dealt with me throughout this training  cycle and last year's training cycle. Bridget and Alyssa were there for me when I was crying about not being able or willing to run, but were also there to cheer me on as I recommitted. Both of them have listened to me talk about running more than anyone ever wants to hear anyone talk about running and I am so grateful to both of them. I am grateful to those who donated to my fundraising page and I am also grateful for Mercy Home. This is my second year running for Mercy Home, but I think this year it means more to me. Through my work at Mercy Home and through MercyWorks, I became a fuller and more whole version of myself. I found my vocation and I learned about who and how I want to be. The youth that live there inspire me to put 100% into everything that I do and are a great reminder that I am immensely blessed and privileged. I feel honored to run for such a stunning and life-giving organization and I am grateful that they are allowing me to run for them.

So as time dwindles down, I am ready and excited for the marathon. It has truly been a growing experience to train this summer and also ponder life as I know it. Thank you Anna, Bridget, Alyssa, MercyWorks, Mercy Home, Live Grit, Leah, Kritstan, Justine, Cheryl, Michelle, Tim, Rosemary, Whitney, Becky, Jim, Live Grit, Mom, Dad, family, friends, and everyone else who has run with me, talked me through stress and anxiety, and just been there. This race is for you and I'll see you at the finish line.